When the subject of “Purity Culture” is mentioned, an entire generation of people will be flooded with painful memories and shame. Many people who came out of this moment either leaned into it unhealthily or completely rejected the idea of sexual purity and even their faith. So what is purity culture, and why is it still affecting a whole generation to this day? 

The Purity Culture Movement was an evangelical movement that began in the 1990s and attempted to impart a biblical view of purity to Christian tweens and teens. At the time, AIDS was the #1 cause of death in men 25-44, teen pregnancy was on the rise, and the number of premarital partners people had also increased substantially. Christian parents and youth leaders responded to these developments and sought to re-ground their youth in biblical ethics. This caused them to promote things like purity pledges, purity rings, purity balls, courting over dating, modesty, concealing sexual desire, and virginity before marriage. Some of the leading figures of the time were Richard Ross, who established the True Love Waits movement, and Josh Harris, who published the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye in 1996, which promoted abstinence and courting. There is often a negative connotation associated with this movement due to certain messages and approaches communicated. However, there were some things that purity culture actually got right that were missed or undermined in the process.

There are a few things that purity culture was right about. Two of them are that sex is meant to be between one man and one woman within marriage, and we should be intentional in our sexuality by aiming for God’s best for us. These were key components of the principles taught during the movement, which might have been lost or misinterpreted by the youth of the time. At the core of purity culture is the desire for teens to know and align with his word and design for sex. God has ordained sex to be a beautiful expression between a man and a woman in a marriage. By discouraging teens from having sex, many leaders were trying to protect their youth but also demonstrate that sex is not trivial or casual. While many of the methods used to convey this point were questionable, I trust that most leaders did not have malicious intentions. Their passion stemmed from their concern for their students.

I also agree that, as believers, we need to make intentional decisions surrounding sexuality. Whether in a relationship, in our thought life, or in what we spend our time consuming, we must be mindful of our thoughts and actions. If God has a design for sex—one man, one woman, in a marriage—that means anything else is deviating from his design, his best for us. When we stray from God’s best for us, or sin, it not only hurts God; it also disrupts our connection to him. If someone is considering another person as their partner, their decision should be intentional, not just in who they choose, but also in what they choose to do in the relationship as well. Of course, not having sex, but also having physical boundaries in the relationship, can help protect their hearts and resist temptation. Another example of intentionality is taking every thought captive that isn’t from the Lord. Lustful thoughts or fantasies beget a lustful heart, which is definitely not God’s best for us. We need to pay attention to those thoughts and surrender them to God to keep our hearts and minds most aligned with his. While these practices are beneficial, many of the methods used to teach them were questionable and even harmful to the youth who received the message. This is where the real problem with purity culture lies.

My biggest contention with purity culture was the fear-based response that many of these leaders and teachers had. While I understand their concern for their youth, their response was driven by fear rather than by love and care. I am not saying that youth leaders did not love and care for their youth, but their worries were communicated more than their love. The place from which we respond to things matters. If our decisions aren’t guided by our love of Jesus first, then how we love others will be affected. Several harmful ideas were taught that I believe are false or misrepresented.

Using sexual shame as a tactic for abstinence is a recipe for failure and pain. When people are only taught that they will be “damaged goods” or “used up” because of their choices, it completely ignores the gospel. Shame-based analogies, such as the used car, chewed-up gum, tape, and trampled rose, were detrimental to many girls. Not only is this idea harmful and shame-causing, but it also led many teens to believe that they were “too dirty” for God to use. Yes, having sex before marriage will change you, but that does not mean you can’t be made new and whole. God can and will use anyone and any circumstance for his glory. However, when we completely ignore the saving gift of grace in this conversation, we become stuck in shame.

This movement also had damaging teachings for males and females about their roles and responsibilities. Women were often treated as the gatekeepers of purity, like they were responsible for a man’s sexual thoughts and choices, so they must act and dress a certain way so as not to awaken men’s sexual desire. Men were portrayed as animals lacking self-control; their thoughts were not to be trusted and had to be contained. On both sides, inequity exists. Women cannot, and should not, bear that much responsibility. Every person, male and female, is responsible for their thoughts and actions, including their sexual ones. I am not saying that females should not be intentional about how they think, act, and dress. What I am saying is that these decisions should not be based on a man, but should be a result of one’s personal relationship and devotion to Christ. Men are also taught that their minds are their enemy and that they cannot be controlled. This is completely unfair to the male race. Men are not merely animals who can only act on their impulses and desires. They are fully capable of self-regulation and control. However, when they are taught this, they begin to accept those beliefs as normal. Yes, we are all sinful by nature, including our thoughts and desires, but we are also fully capable of overcoming them instead of succumbing to them. These are also dangerous teachings because girls are fed the idea that only guys have sexual thoughts, especially those that are intense or frequent. This is a complete lie, but when a girl internalizes that, she begins to believe that something is wrong with her. This continues the shame cycle and only leads us to dislike ourselves and distance ourselves from God.

Lastly, I do not agree with the “If…, then…” teaching. Many people were promised perfect marriages and sex lives if they abstained from marriage. However, this is completely false and unrealistic. Having sex with your husband or wife is a learning process that continues throughout the course of your marriage. Two people come together with different things they like, are comfortable with, and are getting used to. This process is often not easy or quick; it takes time and effort, and likely won’t be perfect the first time. But if teens aren’t taught about how things really are, they are going to have false perceptions and expectations when the time comes. Marriage is also not easy and requires a lifetime of communication, love, sacrifice, and commitment. However, when children are taught that their marriage will automatically be picture-perfect, they will not be equipped to handle the challenges they may face.

When we equip kids and teens with accurate knowledge about their bodies and desires, show them how Jesus connects to their sexuality, and present accurate information and expectations about sex, we are setting them up for success. Not just so that they don’t have sex, but so that their hearts, minds, and actions are aligned with the heart of the Father. Instead of producing shame and trauma, they will be fruitful in their pursuit of Christ.