TED Talks
How porn changes
the way teens think about sex
Completed November 16th
By: Emily F. Rothman
Emily F. Rothman, a social epidemiologist, explored the effects pornography has on how teens think of sex and why conversations around pornography should be embraced, not avoided. Pornography has become the primary source of sexual education for many teens, and unfortunately, much of this video content contains physical violence and degradation toward women. However, instead of just telling teens not to watch porn or avoiding the topic altogether, she introduces the concept of pornography.
I definitely think that all parents should have conversations with their children about pornography. Not just “don’t watch it,” but having serious discussions about what it is, why not to indulge, what to do if you’ve been exposed, etc. It's important to discuss the topic as needed because one conversation is often not enough. I also agree that teens can benefit from thinking critically about pornography within certain limits. While I don’t think they should spend too much time thinking about pornographic materials, as many teens will encounter some type in their lifetime, it can help them to process what they see objectively. Asking questions like, “Is this realistic? respectful? consensual?” can allow them to see how unrealistic porn is and remove some of its glitz. Talking about pornography can also help teens struggling with addictions and foster accountability between them and their parents.
Monogamish: The new rules of marriage
Completed November 16th
By: Jessica O'Reilly
Sexology and relationship specialist Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D., described why traditional lifelong monogamy isn't effective for people in the modern era. She observed that many marriages feel stagnant because the institution of marriage was designed for a very different time. However, she thinks that modern monogamy should also be flexible because of things like changing gender roles, longer life expectancies, and sexual norms. So she introduced the term “monogamish” for couples that feel limited by traditional monogamy but also do not want fully open relationships. "Monogamish" refers to a relationship that is primarily monogamous but has more fluid sexual and romantic boundaries. She identified three primary ways in which monogamy can manifest in a relationship: thought but not action, talk but not touch, and agreed-upon boundaries. However, she emphasized the importance of prioritizing agreement, communication, and trust, as well as being honest with one another, for the relationship to succeed.
I do not think this is the best idea, especially for Christian couples. While I do think there is value in sharing your true feelings, desires, and even fantasies with your partner, I don't think it's wise to go outside of your marriage for arousal. I understand that in these types of relationships, you need to be completely honest and open, especially when jealousy arises. However, I still believe that the risk is not worth the “spice.” I could see how the idea may be “acceptable” for non-Christian couples, as modern relationships and sexuality have changed dramatically in the world. Faith-based marriages, however, should exercise caution when it comes to allowing their sexuality to be open to anything or anyone that is not themselves.
Prenatal Influences on Sexual Orientation
By: Marc Breedlove
Completed November 17th
Stephen Marc Breedlove, a professor of neuroscience, explained how biological and prenatal factors may influence one’s sexual orientation. Certain aspects of early development can help shape whether a person feels same-sex attraction or opposite-sex attraction. Examples include variations in brain structure, prenatal hormone levels, and genetic markers. While these patterns can show tendencies, Stephen emphasizes that they do not fully determine someone’s sexual orientation. No single factor can determine that; sexual orientation is often the combined effect of genetics, brain development, social and cultural factors, prenatal hormones, and environmental situations. However, this research can help defend the claim that sexual orientation is not just a choice but could be partially driven by biological factors.
This TED Talk was definitely very intriguing and made me think quite a bit. One very fascinating study that he highlighted definitely stuck with me. According to Stephen, the ratio of an individual's index finger to their ring finger is larger in women than in men. This allowed him to estimate how much testosterone a child was exposed to in the womb, as boys who were exposed more had a lower ratio. So he went out into the field to test whether there was any difference in ratios among people of different sexual orientations. There was no difference between heterosexual and homosexual males, so there was no evidence that gay men were exposed to less testosterone. However, lesbian women had a more masculine digit ratio than those who identified as straight, supporting the claim that lesbians, on average, were exposed to more testosterone than straight women.
I found this study to be really fascinating, and it made me think more about how prenatal hormones may influence sexual orientation. I also expected both homosexual men and women to show hormonal differences from heterosexual men and women. These discoveries definitely made me ask more questions about how much biology plays a role in whom you are attracted to.
Gay and Christian, No Contradiction
Completed November 17th
By: Brandan Robertson
Brandan Robertson, a gay Christian pastor and activist, argues that the claim "you can't be Christian and gay because homosexuality is taught to be a sin in Christianity" should be reconsidered. Despite being openly gay, Brandan supported this, not only because of his sexual orientation but also because of his interpretations of the Bible. He explains that his claim is based on biblical specifics at the time. He feels Christians must have a thorough understanding of historical context to interpret the Bible, including passages about homosexuality, properly. Brandan also claimed that an anti-gay gospel excludes rather than liberates and includes. He argues that any version of Christianity that considers LGBTQ+ “less than” is inconsistent with the Jesus he knows. Therefore, he thinks churches should genuinely practice inclusion rather than merely improve language; instead, they should reconsider what they teach, who is in charge, and who is welcome. He believes no one should have to choose between their identity and their faith, and that Christianity can embody the radical love of Jesus.
While I do believe the heart of many of his claims is pure and even defensible, I do not agree with much of what he stands for. It is definitely worth noting that the church has historically handled LGBTQ+ topics and people terribly. We can do a better job of opening our doors and hearts to those living lifestyles we do not agree with. LGBTQ+ people should be welcomed into our churches with open arms, whether or not they are living in truth. Because the churches are for the sick, not for the healthy, so why would we exclude those who need the good news most? However, I do believe that indulging in your same-sex desires and attractions is sinful. Same-sex attraction in and of itself is not inherently sinful, unless you are looking at others lustfully. But the offense is in acting on those desires and being in a relationship or covenant with someone of the same sex. I can understand the conflict for those people, because they feel that their homosexuality is their identity. We have made same-sex attraction a part of our identity instead of something that our flesh desires. I think the real shift is for people to separate their desires from their identity and truly lean into who God says they are. But even if they don’t, they should still be loved and respected unconditionally; that is actually the radical love of Jesus.
Pornography Isn't Your Problem
By: Jason Mahr
Completed November 17th
Pastor Jason Mahr shared how he believes that watching pornography isn’t the root of the problem for people; it is just a symptom of a deeper issue. He started by sharing his own story of his relationship with pornography behind closed doors. For him, pornography became an escape when he was feeling unseen, which he believes is the problem for many people. They might think their problem is porn, but they are really seeking connection, validation, and intimacy. People find themselves in a cycle of wanting validation, feeling rejected, and turning to pornography to treat it. So, because of the real root, quitting takes more than just willpower. You need to address the underlying wounds, such as the need for acceptance, fear of rejection, and shame. It is also important to be honest and accountable with others so that we can grow and heal. The person also has to learn to experience and deal with rejection, not just avoid it with pornography. When we utilize these things, not only will it stop an addiction, but it will heal some of our deepest wounds as well.
I really enjoyed this TED Talk for a few reasons. Although it was not necessarily new information to me, it is still true. People often try to combat their addiction with sheer willpower alone, but they completely miss the problem at hand. Typically, we do not act out sexually just because we want to; there is usually a problem, trauma, or insecurity that we are trying to treat. So until we face our actual pain, we won’t actually heal.
Surviving purity culture:
How I healed a lifetime
of sexual shame
By: Linda Kay Klein
Completed November 28th
Linda Kay Klein is an author, speaker, and activist who grew up during the Evangelical Purity Culture movement. She shared her own journey from growing up in purity culture and experiencing incredible shame, fear, and anxiety surrounding intimacy, sexuality, and her body that continued into her adulthood. She and many other girls were taught that their value was found in modesty and abstaining from sex. She experienced a great deal of anxiety and shame because she was taught that sexual desire was filthy. Linda explained how this was very harmful for those who experienced it. These ideas caused many girls to have fear-driven responses to sexual development and normal experiences like attraction and intimacy. Instead of feeling joy, they feel anxious and guilty. However, she started to change when she started therapy, surrounded herself with supportive people, and reoriented her faith to be more compassionate.
While I don’t agree with some of the things that she believes and stands for, I think she was pretty right about the movement. Because it was largely fear-driven, instead of equipping a generation, it sexually shamed and confused them. As she said in the talk, we need to be teaching youth sexual integrity. However, instead of erasing the term “purity,” we should define and understand it properly. Then we will be able to live sexually whole lives, as we were intended to. But to do that, we must embrace open and honest conversations on sexuality that are not built on shame but on biblical truth and love. These need to be regular and expected in both the home and the church. This will ensure that our youth are ready for anything they might face in terms of their sexuality.
The Truth about Sexual Shame
By Rena Martine
Completed November 28th
Rena Martine, ex-attorney, is an intimacy coach who explored the idea of sexual shame and its effects, especially in women. Most people have experienced sexual shame at some point in their lives, but it is rarely discussed. Sexual shame is the belief that there is something wrong with your sexual desires, experiences, or sexuality. Feeling broken or abnormal. This often causes people to feel dirty and experience anxiety during intimate moments, causing them to fear intimacy or even avoid it altogether. However, she explains how it is possible to battle and eliminate sexual shame. We simply need to be honest about how we feel and think about shame and sexuality, but then reframe that belief healthily. She also talked about the importance of community in our journey out of shame.
This talk was very interesting to me, as I had never heard sexual shame talked about in a secular context. It was very interesting to hear how Rena interpreted and answered from a purely scientific and secular perspective. I am not saying that science does not play a part in seeing this biblically, but it is important to have both science and Scripture. Despite our different views, I still agreed with many of the things she said. She said that much of the shame is transmitted culturally by families, religion, the media, and other institutions. I would agree with that statement, but it also comes from our fallenness. Whenever we do something outside of God’s will, we often become ashamed and hide. The same goes for if something ungodly was ever done to us. One last thing that stuck out to me was the idea that we have to take back control of our sexuality. While I can see the heart behind it, doing that is absolutely not the answer. We shouldn’t allow others to define and regulate our sexuality and shame, but that should not be in our hands either; it should be in God’s hands. That is where we will find true freedom from shame.
The power of labels:
Why many rape survivors do not call it 'rape'
By Kelsey Adams
Completed December 18th
Kelsey Adams, a PhD candidate, spoke about how many rape survivors don’t label their experience as “rape.” Many have a certain idea or narrative for what they think rape looks like: done by a stranger, violent, and when you express a clear no. This often leads them to avoid reporting the incident and even to blame themselves. However, in reality, rape often occurs with someone we are close to and even in a relationship with. And it doesn’t have to be violent to be considered rape, either. Many women also avoid the label because of the stigma that might come with it, or even to protect the other person. Because of this, Kelsey stressed how we need to reframe our ideas about sexual violence and call things what they are.
To reach these conclusions, she did a study with several rape survivors. Listening to some of the experiences of some of the women was heartbreaking, especially since many didn’t initially consider it rape. They blamed themselves for not saying no or for not resisting enough. It is so much more difficult to heal and grow from an experience if you don’t define it. Seeing the violation for what it was not only holds the person accountable but also helps the person actually get the help and support they need. But I think, as a society, we need to stop reinforcing stigma and reshape our dangerous assumptions. When we create a fictional narrative of rape, people feel like they can’t identify with it, even if they have actually experienced it. We need to support survivors and help them get the justice they deserve.
Escaping Porn Addiction
By: Eli Nash
Completed December 18th
Eli Nash, a speaker and entrepreneur, explained how it is possible to overcome a pornography addiction if you go about it the right way. He started by describing his own battle with pornography. Eli described how much secrecy and shame he was struggling with. Pornography also often has a much larger effect on us than we think it will. What starts as just curiosity develops into a full-blown addiction that someone is stuck in. He also spoke about the shame cycle that comes with addiction. An emotion or experience, like stress, anger, or loneliness, triggers you, and then you go to porn for comfort. However, the relief is temporary and is followed by guilt and shame, which are both powerful emotions. This, in turn, can be a trigger to make you want to seek comfort in porn, and the cycle continues. However, he did stress the fact that it is possible to be free from a porn addiction. The first step is to be honest and surround yourself with a good community. They can help you develop accountability and make you not seem as alone. He also encourages people to seek genuine healing rather than just behavior change.
Pornography addiction has such devastating effects on people and their relationships. It is like a disease that slowly kills you, but you can’t help but do it. However, it is possible to receive healing and redemption from its impact. But one key, that Eli and many others stress, is coming out of secrecy. Telling others about your struggle brings so much freedom and light to areas ruled by darkness. The enemy still has power when we are hidden, but we need to let the light in. Then continue to surround yourself with a good community so they can walk with you in the everyday challenges and victories. But many just need to take that first step and be honest.
Finding Unapologetic Self-Worth in Sex, Shame, & Secrets
By: Nselaa Ward, JD
Completed December 18th
Nselaa Ward, activist and business architect, spoke about facing and overcoming sexual shame and secrets. Those things have a big impact on a woman’s view of herself, as they tie their value to their past and present sexual behavior. In turn, people hide themselves and harbor shame. She referred to her own past as a sex worker turned attorney, where she hid her past until she was exposed. But this helped her see that a woman’s worth isn’t based on her sexual past or labels that were given to her.
Instead, she encourages them to be honest and unapologetic about their experiences and beliefs. She wants people to reject the shame they have been hiding inside because it hinders them from reaching their full potential and from seeing their worth.
This TED Talk was very conflicting for me: while I agreed with many of her points, there were many I didn’t. She is right; women should not be ostracized and shamed for their sexual past because that is not where their identity lies. It is also unfair because men are not typically held to that same standard. However, we can treat them with respect while also treating their wounds. Because it is not enough to simply “reclaim” your self-worth and stop being ashamed, there is still healing and restoration to do. You can be free of shame and still not be whole; however, I can't expect us to agree on that, given our differing perspectives. Something she mentioned that I love is that we don’t have to earn our worth; we just have it. While she didn’t say this, we have value because we are God’s children whom he loves. I think that is a truth everyone needs to know and believe.
What the Bible says about homosexuality
By: Kristin Saylor & Jim O'Hanlon
Completed December 19th
Reverend Kristin Saylor and Pastor Jim O’Hanlon spoke about how, contrary to popular belief, the Bible does not actually condemn homosexuality. It is a common belief in the Christian faith that homosexuality is a sin, but they argue that it isn’t for a few different reasons. They claimed that it is important to take factors like cultural context, audience, time period, and language into account when reading and studying. It is also important, they stated, not to take things so literally when you are reading the Bible. The example they used was the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, a well-known text many Christians cite to defend their beliefs. Christians say that this passage condemns homosexuality because the city people pursued men. However, they countered by saying this text is talking about a gang rape, which is obviously wrong, and not necessarily homosexuality. So, instead, they argue Christians should focus more on compassion, love, and acceptance instead of weaponizing the Bible to exclude people.
I wholeheartedly disagree with 99% of what they were arguing in this talk. There were so many strawman arguments to defend their claims that don’t actually hold up. It may be true that the Bible doesn’t talk about homosexuality that much, but that does not matter. There is scripture to defend that claim, no matter how much there is. I also really dislike the use of the Sodom and Gomorrah passage to defend either side of the claim. There is so much in that text, and obviously, the men would be condemned for trying to rape the men, but not just for homosexuality. It would be just as bad if they were acting that way with women, too.
Intimacy After Trauma
By: Kat Smith
Completed December 19th
Intimacy expert Kat Smith explains what intimacy is and why it is so necessary for us. She believes that “intimacy is the foundation for relationships,” and that it encompasses many things, including respect, support, care, passion, and sex. However, she stressed that when we limit intimacy to only sex, we minimize its value because it is so much more than just that. She described intimacy as the larger, hidden part of the relationship iceberg. Growing up, Kat was searching for safety and deep emotional connections. Unfortunately, from ages 9 to 13, she was being molested by her stepfather and still experienced two date rapes afterward. This made her realize she had to make changes so her emotions could show. So she reflected on her upbringing and her beliefs about intimacy, love, and sex: what they were, where they came from, and how they impacted her. When intimacy is not integrated into a child’s upbringing, they will carry those needs into their adulthood. For example, boys are often taught not to express emotions or cry, which can lead them to lack emotional and communication skills. So instead, she suggests we let boys healthily navigate their emotions so they can better handle relationships as men.
I definitely enjoyed this TED Talk because of the many misconceptions we, as a society, have about intimacy. It is so much more than just sex; while it is wonderful and holy in God’s design, it is only one practice of intimacy. Intimacy, as Kat said, can be communication, care, respect, support, and passion. One thing I enjoyed about the talk was the “Intimacy Wheel” she showed to illustrate just how many ways we can foster and express intimacy. From a Christian perspective, intimacy is largely about spiritual connection and understanding, especially in marriage. I also agree that cultivating intimacy from birth—physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.—is crucial. It is so important that children feel cared for in every possible way, because they will often seek to meet those needs in unhealthy ways later in life. Of course, no one can be perfect, but fostering understanding and expression of intimacy is so critical for a child’s development and progression into adulthood.
Let's talk about sex.
By: John Bohannon & Black Label Movement
Completed December 19th
Scientist John Bohannon discusses “the talk” that all teenagers know and dread, but he explains that it rarely actually happens. He showed this not only through speech but also by interpretive dance with the group Black Label Movement. He spoke about his own experiences learning about drugs and sex in the 80s and how fear tactics and abstinence-only approaches were used for these things. However, they often aren’t successful because people will explore and experience things on their own, especially as children. Kids have a natural curiosity that leads them to explore and seek knowledge, including about their bodies. But, as teens, bodies are often stigmatized as shameful and embarrassing, causing people to feel like something is wrong with them. Instead, we should reframe taboo things like sex into something that is not dirty but beautiful and fascinating. And while there is still much we do not know about it, people should not be embarrassed by it; rather, they should embrace its perplexity.
John was right when he said that the sex talk is a myth. Many teens and even kids are learning about sex from their friends, social media, TV shows, movies, and even porn. Everywhere else but where they should be. Instead, we should be continuously teaching and checking in on our kids about sex, sexuality, and their bodies, especially as Christians. They will find out some way or another, and usually not in good ways. So if we provide them with a solid foundation and knowledge of the truth about God and themselves, they will be able to face the world properly. It is so important that they are reminded that their bodies are not disgusting, embarrassing, or shameful, but that they are beautiful and handcrafted by God for good purposes. They need to know why their body functions and feels the way it does, and how God created them for a covenant, not just with others but with him. Kids need to know what sex is and why it exists, and that it is not bad but an exceptional mystery created by God. It is not enough to just tell children what to do, but they need to know the why behind it; that is how we shift the culture.
From homophobic to out and affirming, LGBTQ+ Christian advocate
By: Aubrey Brolsman
Completed December 19th
In this talk, Aubrey Brolsman gave a personal testimony about her journey from homophobia to being an out and affirming queer person. She described her journey growing up in church but experiencing some same-sex attractions. In her heart, she secretly identified as bisexual until a youth pastor declared that homosexuality was definitely a sin. This made her feel unwelcome for being herself. So she internalized it and began to say that she believed that homosexuality was a sin, which she defined as homophobia. However, it stemmed from the part of herself that she was ashamed of. This changed when she got to college, and one of her friends came out as transgender, starting her on the journey of reconstruction and acceptance. She studied, prayed, watched sermons from queer pastors, and came to the conclusion that homosexuality was not a sin. Afterward, she still struggled to find a church community that didn’t bring her pain; she was even questioning leaving the faith. But she rebuilt her faith and still embraces that part of herself. She then spoke about how many Christians, while their intentions are good, say and do things that just cause pain. Like, “I love gay people, but I just don’t agree with the lifestyle,” or “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” She challenges Christians to put aside prejudice and become accepting.
This essentially sums up the LGBTQ+ movement and Christianity tension in less than 15 minutes. There were so many things in this talk that, if addressed properly, could honestly move those with same-sex attraction on the right path. First, I have to talk about the youth pastor. Now, I don’t know if there was more to his message, but regardless, this is how many Christians are handling the topic. While homosexuality does go against God’s design, and acting on those attractions is sinful, it is so unhelpful to just say that. It might be true, but it is received as hate and bigotry. Instead, we should paint the picture of God’s beautiful design for sexuality, how, if you do become married, it is a covenant between a man and a woman, and how it serves as a marvelous picture of Christ and the church and of God and us. We can then acknowledge that many people do struggle with same-sex attractions; however, that isn’t inherently sinful, but it also isn’t from God. We all have certain things we struggle with and that tempt us, but God does not leave us hanging. He provides us with a way to resist those temptations and remain in His design. It won’t be easy, and He might not even take away those desires, but He will be there to help you. God doesn’t want to just “make you straight”; he wants to free you of anything that separates you from Him, like lust, lying, pride, etc. One other thing that she mentioned was that homosexuality or "queerness" was “who we are.” This is another tough thing to address in this conversation because these attractions are believed to be a part of one’s identity, who they are. But that is not true, and many people need to start separating their struggles and their sins from themselves. Lastly, love is not acceptance. I can love someone unconditionally and hate what they do. It is not hateful to love someone but stand firm in your belief that what they are doing is separating them from God, and it is not hateful to tell them. It is just important how we do it.
Let's Talk About Sex Education
By: Olivia Richman
Completed December 20th
Dr. Olivia Richman discussed how there is a need for kids and teens to have a good understanding of their bodies, sex, and other sex ed topics from a young age. Unfortunately, many don’t because it is seen as taboo, shameful, or too uncomfortable to talk about. But she argues that these conversations allow teens to make better-informed decisions in the future. She described her upbringing and how her mom, in particular, made her body a normal, comfortable topic of conversation. She and all of her cousins are that way as well; sex, pleasure, and their bodies are open topics, and not only are they well-informed, she said, but they are safe and healthy as well. She mentioned how parents and even doctors aren’t talking about STDs like HPV and encouraging vaccination, even though some strains could lead to cancer. She also spoke about how Denmark begins their sex ed at age 4, which is age-appropriate, but they begin gradually teaching kids about consent, STI prevention, contraception, and even pleasure. And social media, shows, and movies are also beginning to teach kids a lot about sex and bodies, so that they will learn somehow. Lastly, she encourages advocating for and having those conversations with teens and kids so that they are safe and smarter.
I really agree with a lot of what Olivia was speaking about in this talk, and it is actually something I am very passionate about. Sex education and understanding are something that, especially in Christian circles, get ignored or dismissed. However, if anyone should be teaching kids and teens about sex, it should be their parents first, then the church. If they don’t get their information there, they will likely get it elsewhere or find out for themselves, and that rarely works out well. And if they don’t, they will go into life clueless and vulnerable, making them susceptible to lies, manipulation, and even toxic relationships. I also agree that the conversations should start early. Of course, they won’t be learning everything, but parents should teach their kids about their bodies, who created them (God), and what they were created for. They should do this even before they have a sex ed class in school, because who knows what they will be taught in there. The pornography talk should also be had with children at a young age, because they are introduced to it younger and younger. So if they know what it is and what to do if they ever encounter it, it has a lesser chance of becoming an addiction. Then, as they start puberty, they start talking about attraction, hormones, and sex, and not making it disgusting but explaining how God made it and why, and showing them what to do with their feelings in constructive, healthy, and holy ways, and how sex is a tool to create life and pleasure, not shame. Then, as they reach adulthood, they should learn about pleasure and how their bodies work in that way, contraception, more about pregnancy, and other mature topics like that. It is so important that they know about that as they go into marriages with a knowledge about themselves, so that they can help reduce some of the confusion, frustration, and even pain that might come along with having sex for the first time. Sex in a marriage is about both union and pleasure. They should also be taught about singleness, because not everyone will be married. So, teaching them how to remain pure and holy before God in their singleness, whether it be temporary or permanent, and how it is still a picture of the gospel and God’s love. I know these conversations are hard, but we need to start. Have that first conversation, and ask God for the strength to do the rest.